im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
