What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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