The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I licked your asshole in confidence.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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