can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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