He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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