So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize