So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
