i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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