he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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