when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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