When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Randomize