im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
