she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize