I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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