Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
