All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
