she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize