Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
