The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I stole a fireplace last night.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
