Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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