apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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