my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
