I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
