watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
