Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
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