I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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