How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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