I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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