"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
