I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
