she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize