It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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