My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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