meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
