So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
