He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
