I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
