I cannot find my penis.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
