I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
