You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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