How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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