so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
