and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
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