Only a mothe r could love this liver
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
