What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
