i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
