I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
