Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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