he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
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