I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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