I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
