Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
