Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
