I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
