I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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