she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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