Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
