I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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