You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Randomize
