Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
