It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
