If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
