I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
