Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
